I’ve seen a zillion variations of “the Xbox One is so terrible that the Wii U’s sales have risen several hundred percent” but I don’t think I’ve seen the same number twice so far.
(God though I hope the One follows through with its failure. I don’t want good games getting trapped on the worst console again this gen.)
Sometimes I wonder whether or not someone said something and I remember no, I just made that up in my sleep. Or I’ll go to get some of the leftover pizza I saw earlier and it’ll turn out I made that up too.
Mom says she dreams in black and white with no sound. Weird.
My dreams are always really coherent. I mean there’s the occasional talking horse or something but whenever there’s a conversation or a page of text or like anything, my brain makes up the whole thing and it all hangs together. Last week I dreamt I was listening to a Baten Kaitos radio drama and after I woke up I typed out a little script for a scene quickly and I found it later and it… makes sense. What
Last night I dreamt I found a Tumblr dedicated to pairs of unrelated photos that could be arranged to look like one big photo more or less seamlessly, and also the YouTube channel of a hilarious improv team with a horse on it. I watched like five entire little videos in my dream; how the fuck does my brain do that?
I think this is a huuuuge part of why I struggle with motivation so much. Basically: when you have some external incentive, like money or whatever, for doing something you like doing anyway, you can end up less motivated because suddenly you’re thinking of the reward as the motivation here and that’s not nearly as motivating as any of the reasons what you’re doing is important to you in the first place.
I catch myself thinking “I wish this just didn’t matter” pretty much on a daily basis. Like, if only these things weren’t important for real I could get back to focussing on why they’re important to me, but I have to move forward in life, or I want to impress people, or whatever, and the things I do (mostly my art) have to be for that reason. I’m way too prone to letting things turn into chores even when I’d be perfectly happy to do them if I didn’t feel like I was obligated to.
Just plain knowing about this and keeping it in mind helps me counter it somewhat but I still place a lot of emphasis on the “have to”. I wish I knew how to just not fucking care because holy shit would I be able to go places if I weren’t fighting myself all the time.
I think everyone feels this way! Posting your work publicly is intimidating, but everyone is just trying to grow and get better. I don’t think anyone ever feels like they’re “good enough”, you just have to turn it into motivation I think :)Haha, yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of an artist who didn’t have to deal with anxiety over feeling “good enough”. Trying to turn it into motivation is a neat idea, though. I read somewhere that if you just imagine where you want to be it actually decreases your motivation, but if you imagine it in contrast to where you are it helps, so I guess it’s worth a try…
I have someone coming to buy my Rock Band drums tomorrow and I don’t feel ready. My 360 gave me the red ring of death and I’m so not getting another but….. these drums are special…….. I couldn’t for the life of me find RB2 drums that weren’t bundled with the rest of the instruments around here so I had to get them when I went to visit surskitty in 2010, and getting them home on the Greyhound was an adventure. So I feel like no hiss these are MY drums you should have to prove your wooooorth
(Obviously I’m not going to say that though.)
On Friday I have the first of two assessment sessions with my psychologist to try and figure out once and for all what the fuck is actually up with my brain, be it ADHD or an anxiety thing or who knows. Mom and Dad seem to be convinced that it’ll be totally conclusive and it’ll lead to finding a med that actually solves this shit but I dunno. It’d be nice to get a miracle solution but I’m not holding my breath.
In any case I’m just curious to see what comes out of this. Dr Beissel is gr8 and I really want to see what she finds; if this info actually helps me, well that’s icing.
When I haven’t been drawing for a while I become a lot more prone to getting jealous & spiteful towards other artists who seem better or more successful. When I’m drawing regularly it’s like, this is fun and really hard besides, and neither of those make me want to turn it into a battle. Or I guess it feels more like we’re all on the same side and whenever I see someone else having the same struggle for art I just think “yeah!! go us!!” and when I’m stuck all I can think about is how I deserve to be out on the field more.
I don’t know exactly, I guess, but whatever it is it definitely happens more when I’m not drawing.
Oh, yeah, I knew that actually. The only people I wasn’t sure about were the ones I tagged on that post. Thanks anyway though!
EDIT: Oh I didn’t mean to actually post this. At least it happened with something innocuous.
I feel like at some point I kind of lost the ability to write my thoughts in a way that sounds natural. I guess I went through that big phase of wanting to sound really impressive and overworking everything I posted anywhere, and (no coincidence) started posting less and mostly just talking on IRC, which probably explains most of it. Part of why I want to start using Tumblr less anxiously is to get that back, and I feel like it’s working so far, at least somewhat.
Andrew and I tried rewatching the dub of the first season of Digimon a few weeks back and I thought it was fucking hilarious but apparently he doesn’t do “so bad it’s good”. Anyway now we’re trying Digimon Tamers (third season) and for the most part it’s fun in a way I can actually take seriously.
But it still has its moments. Like after digivolving for the first time Kyuubimon (champion Renamon) says to Rika something like “don’t you see? I couldn’t digivolve until you truly cared about me.” And Rika just goes
“oh.”
Not to mention whenever I hear Renamon’s voice all I can think is “sultry Ms Frizzle”.
(p.s. Terriermon and Calumon are too fucking kawaii for this world)
